five films

the plan

when school starts, i'm starting another 365
one photo, everyday
all film
this feels important to me, and necessary

and this

a journey, backwards and forwards

if i could sum up my vacation in one image it would be this:


my progress will come from simplicity.
i will loosen the bonds of a personal history, and take on that of the collective.

away

to rest

after i have climbed
and gathered soil on my skin
and crept back into the dark places
to find their virtue
and captured voices in hollowed stones
i will rest

i tried to make so many things today

boats, wreathes, pretty drawings all down my arm
nothing was the way i wanted it to be

i will take time today to exist as i am, with my whims and my faults and my lazing thoughts. i will be what i am, i will enjoy what i am, and i will build on that instead of what i'm supposed to be.

my ideas aren't coming to life anymore. i haven't felt truly satisfied with a photo in a long time. i like the last one in this post though.

"difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
fatigue and decreased energy
feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
irritability, restlessness
loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
overeating or appetite loss
persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” feelings
thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts"

this is not a cry for help. this is something i will overcome.

lately i like everything more in black and white

sometimes i don't know what i'm saying

where i am
the ground is solid
the ground does not shift
does not shake
does not dissolve in any amount of rain
muddy up my ankles, up my knees,
up my waist, god
help i'm drowning, god help

none of that
but i want to sink
i want to dip my toes,
swim, mm to dive in
with all the faith i have
or maybe with just an idea
where the hell has faith ever got me?

can't you see mom i want oceans!
i want motion! i want to be submerged!
i want to wake to a promise
and fall asleep to his words

where i am

"I feel certain now that the only cure is to live my life as restlessly as I can, but that requires a sort of bravery I have never known…"
-- http://fireisles.tumblr.com/post/751306658/sometimes-i-feel-like-im-wasting-my-life-away

this is a tidbit from yet another one of her lovely writings. if anyone actually read this i suggest checking that url. she's really wonderful.

wire

working with wire is such a challenge. it's time consuming, detailed, and frequently painful work. but the medium is so versatile.

earlier in the school year i made a wire nest for my art in the environment class. i wove that damn thing for a total of nearly twelve hours. my fingers and hands were all cut up and i looked like i had a problem. but i loved that project. not the final outcome itself, necessarily, but the process. becoming familiar with the material.

wire can be woven, bent, wrapped, exposed. it can provide structure, it can provide texture. it can be dense, imposing, choking, whimsical, natural, light.

i have so many ideas incorporating wire but they are so hard to realize. most involve wrapping or binding. i would love to be able to compose self portraits with it, because it is something very personal to me, but with my current equipment i am very limited. i would certainly be willing to execute these ideas with models, but as i said, wire takes time and patience to work with, and often pain. i don't know of anyone that free, or that willing to pose with it.

photoshoot

this was supposed to be an earthy 1920s shoot, but it didn't really turn out that way, other than laura's wardrobe i suppose

regardless, i'm very happy with the results
though, i need a better camera
i pray my film turns out

an unforeseen shift

i find myself more attached to my camera than to any bit of music lately

my entire life has hinged on sound

now everything is texture, light, curves
everything is the tilt of his head
and the way her hair falls

this is terrible and needs to be redone

she likes shadows

and you'll swear she's born of the morning
but she'll swear she's born of a storm

to the lake!

off to the lake with some of my closest friends. that last time i saw most of them was before the new year.

snippets of a drunken phonecall

"please come back to albion. i want to be with you."
"we could be happy. we could both find better people, i think, but if we got married, we could be happy."
"shelby? i don't want to be in this town anymore. i miss her."

god, the emotions you send me through. do you even know?

the last time i saw you

my touch said i miss you
in seven different ways
and all yours said was
now. i want you now.

North Shore

all film.

the hard part isn't necessarily getting wherever you're going, it's deciding where you even want to go.

film.

at the beach

a portrait

here, with books stacked bedside
light like honey on the south wall
my father's glasses are too big for me,
and too weak
ankles crossed, repose,
that contemplative look
i am all questions,
not to be mistaken with mystery
bitten lips, sleepy eyes, bruised thighs
i am missing someone i have never met
and homesick for a place
i've never seen
i hide my elbows and my hips
i dabble, i do not practice
i am anything but linear
pouring too much sugar in my tea
just to see it sparkle as it comes back up
rolled sleeves, usually
alone, mostly
but in september i burn, and i rise

she

cut, be quick,
to the silver stagnant in my veins
and breathe that warm storm back into me
i want to ebb, i want to gust,
dynamic like song

whatsup

hey sweetie.

more

i was really looking forward to this summer being my own.

photos from this shoot will slowly come trickling in

strange sudden changes

reilly is here.
i'm applying for jobs.
getting my license.
it's about time.

soul suckers

Did you believe it,
when they told you they discovered you?
And that everything is free,
as long as you do what they tell you to.
You think it's true?

But nothing could be farther from the truth,
my love.

Did you even listen,
When they told you to change your name?
And that nobody wants honesty when looking at a perfect frame
play the game.

Nothing could be further from the truth,
my love..
And nothing is more powerful that beauty in a wicked world.
Play it girl,
play it girl,
play it girl.

Does it make you feel good,
when they tell you what you want to hear?
And after they suck all your soul,
well that's when they'll disappear.
Disappear.
They disappear forever..

Like a prince in your little fairy tale.
And you will find,
one day you put you soul on sale..

Nothing could be further from the truth,
my love..
And nothing is more powerful than beauty in a wicked world.
Amos Lee