back

from the head to the heart-things grow

shadow (3)

Two shots I particularly liked:

Something about this almost looked like an overlay photo. I don't know. This is one I want to work on more.


I was going for a falling effect and realized when editing that it kind of looked like running through a field at sunset.

shadow (2)

There are a lot of things I'd like to fix with these shots (the lines in the background, for instance) but I don't have adequate editing software for that.

But, what I liked about this shoot was it allowed me to shoot full body. I typically don't like to shoot full body because I can't tell how my pose is going to look. I really enjoyed playing with shapes here.

Another thing is that I feel we rely so much on concrete potraits-- we need to see a face, hands, a solid form. The face, the appearance, clothing, hair: these are all so expressive of character. Shooting a shadow, or an abstract form, character can be obscured, but emotion can be so much more vivid. Body language, posture, action, motion, and relation to environment all say so much.

To keep things short, I think this is a concept I will be exploring more frequently. Shadows and reflections (exhibited in a previous post). These just feel more candid and personal to me right now.

shadow (1)

thoughts before bed

what? i don't know, i'm just jumbled right now. everything makes me feel like i'm not good enough or smart enough or strange enough. i'm considering getting a job as a golf caddy next summer because apparently there are big scholarships for it, but my dad told me i'm too short. so i looked for short scholarships, and i'm too tall for those. and i'm just like all the other girls out their with voices and cameras and notebooks and an insatiable desire for the stage. there are tons of us. its awful to realize you're not so unique and misunderstood as you feel.

i get my news from NPR; national public radio for those who have lost FM to their mp3s. my musical tastes too. sometimes i just lay there and listen for hours to full orchestras, operas, harp soloists, guitar trios, jazz. jazz is my favorite. and sometimes there are pieces that i absolutely hate-- the ones with a perpetual dissonance that makes me feel like there's something wrong with my insides. but that feeling is so strong and so searing that that music stays with me and becomes something i love. i love it because i know it and i know i'm in it and it's in me. mom says i'm crazy, but dad gets it.

damn, it's late again. i've been telling myself i'm going to get to bed early, wake up early, because i love the morning. i wish i could exhaust myself but the more i do, the more i can keep on doing. my energy feeds off of energy already expended. its terrible. because the inevitable crash is always something total. it buries me.

part of me feels like i'm on fire; part of me feels submerged. my imagery is half-assed now. i'm all about plot summary. i like run-on sentences.

i've been drafted into an army i don't want to fight for. i don't believe in its message or its purpose. i don't want to grind and grind away ceaselessly striving after a quiet existence. quiet will happen, and i will pause in those moments to gather all that serenity. but the time in between i want restless discovery, i want emotion that runs too deep. i am not looking for security, though i am looking for certainty. just a measure if it. just the smallest bit.

more old shots

song.

[i'll get this recorded sometime soon, hopefully with guitar or piano. bluesy, acoustic]

but i don't feel like i'm dying--what does that mean?
did i really love you
or was it a dream?
a sweet blessed dream

well, there were times
but those times didn't last
and now i'm fine-- i'm great, i'm brilliant
you know the past.
it's just the past.

now, i've got songs to write
and i'm filling my soul
with things wild, untamed, unnamed
those things we talked about
i'm going to see them
to know them to be them

god gave me you to learn
how to love without trying
and i've learned too,
how to lose without dying

there were times
but it didn't last
and now i'm fine-- and i'm full and i'm brilliant
you know the past.
it's just the past.

inconsistencies

i haven't been taking photos lately
i think i may have broken the focus on my digital camera
and i just really love the pentax so much more

forgive me
because you have to bend more to kiss me
than anyone else
because most of my words catch in my throat
and the ones that don't
fly too high too fast for you to grasp
because i can't subscribe to your whims
and i can't always follow them with you-
i've got people waiting on me
because i listen more than you do
because i am quiet
and content to be so

personal fashion

i love delicate florals and loose breezy button downs and knee length dresses that come in at the waist and i really dig the 50s housewife thing.

but i will always be happiest, sexiest, most honest in a white shirt with a classic fit and a good trusty pair of jeans.

i'm a traditionalist in a lot of ways, and i don't think that's a bad thing.

five films

the plan

when school starts, i'm starting another 365
one photo, everyday
all film
this feels important to me, and necessary

and this

a journey, backwards and forwards

if i could sum up my vacation in one image it would be this:


my progress will come from simplicity.
i will loosen the bonds of a personal history, and take on that of the collective.

away

to rest

after i have climbed
and gathered soil on my skin
and crept back into the dark places
to find their virtue
and captured voices in hollowed stones
i will rest

i tried to make so many things today

boats, wreathes, pretty drawings all down my arm
nothing was the way i wanted it to be

i will take time today to exist as i am, with my whims and my faults and my lazing thoughts. i will be what i am, i will enjoy what i am, and i will build on that instead of what i'm supposed to be.

my ideas aren't coming to life anymore. i haven't felt truly satisfied with a photo in a long time. i like the last one in this post though.

"difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
fatigue and decreased energy
feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
irritability, restlessness
loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
overeating or appetite loss
persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” feelings
thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts"

this is not a cry for help. this is something i will overcome.

lately i like everything more in black and white

sometimes i don't know what i'm saying

where i am
the ground is solid
the ground does not shift
does not shake
does not dissolve in any amount of rain
muddy up my ankles, up my knees,
up my waist, god
help i'm drowning, god help

none of that
but i want to sink
i want to dip my toes,
swim, mm to dive in
with all the faith i have
or maybe with just an idea
where the hell has faith ever got me?

can't you see mom i want oceans!
i want motion! i want to be submerged!
i want to wake to a promise
and fall asleep to his words

where i am

"I feel certain now that the only cure is to live my life as restlessly as I can, but that requires a sort of bravery I have never known…"
-- http://fireisles.tumblr.com/post/751306658/sometimes-i-feel-like-im-wasting-my-life-away

this is a tidbit from yet another one of her lovely writings. if anyone actually read this i suggest checking that url. she's really wonderful.