thoughts before bed

what? i don't know, i'm just jumbled right now. everything makes me feel like i'm not good enough or smart enough or strange enough. i'm considering getting a job as a golf caddy next summer because apparently there are big scholarships for it, but my dad told me i'm too short. so i looked for short scholarships, and i'm too tall for those. and i'm just like all the other girls out their with voices and cameras and notebooks and an insatiable desire for the stage. there are tons of us. its awful to realize you're not so unique and misunderstood as you feel.

i get my news from NPR; national public radio for those who have lost FM to their mp3s. my musical tastes too. sometimes i just lay there and listen for hours to full orchestras, operas, harp soloists, guitar trios, jazz. jazz is my favorite. and sometimes there are pieces that i absolutely hate-- the ones with a perpetual dissonance that makes me feel like there's something wrong with my insides. but that feeling is so strong and so searing that that music stays with me and becomes something i love. i love it because i know it and i know i'm in it and it's in me. mom says i'm crazy, but dad gets it.

damn, it's late again. i've been telling myself i'm going to get to bed early, wake up early, because i love the morning. i wish i could exhaust myself but the more i do, the more i can keep on doing. my energy feeds off of energy already expended. its terrible. because the inevitable crash is always something total. it buries me.

part of me feels like i'm on fire; part of me feels submerged. my imagery is half-assed now. i'm all about plot summary. i like run-on sentences.

i've been drafted into an army i don't want to fight for. i don't believe in its message or its purpose. i don't want to grind and grind away ceaselessly striving after a quiet existence. quiet will happen, and i will pause in those moments to gather all that serenity. but the time in between i want restless discovery, i want emotion that runs too deep. i am not looking for security, though i am looking for certainty. just a measure if it. just the smallest bit.