something about wind

i.
gust, ruby waves, a flame
beating and calling and breaking
the tame, the hold placed on souls
that hold their own breath;
that mutter more but will
not chase; that catch
their writhing tongue behind
their teeth; bound wrists like
lakeless fish; fingers shiver
for flight- to flee, to breach

ii.
blowing through me and
catching in my chest-
spin, build, stir, brush
up next to the harsher parts of me,
hardly internal, that bruise
slowly the vulnerable in others;
erode both façade and truths
that should not be true
and leave me human, only.

iii.
sweep my skin as you pass
and glassy eyes go dry and ask
do you feel? yes; less:
heavy and penurious and pressed
hollowed now and thirsting
for movement, to be
drowned in another's depth, to
be full and still
filled more, for foreign hands
and minds and a certain kind
of alone, for an expanse within,
to be gradual in gain, sudden
in knowing, to be wind.

more film

film

was it wednesday

no no no no no
means nothing when he's
got it in his head that
this is all for him

but no after that first kiss, sweet
and rare as you made it seem,
was still no

no, with my wrists together and
my chest heaving and
my head beating

no, facedown with my fingers
grabbing at the sheets
anchoring for a pull away
away and fast, now

no, shoulders pinned
man on my back
the dark burning scarlet

i let you walk me home
and tug at my clothes
but i said no

she strays

i don't quite know how i ended up on the pavement, the bathroom floor, barely breathing between you and the back of your couch and i don't know if this means you want me or if you just want.

i do know that the dreams in which you love me weren't real. not yet at least; and they may never be.

so strange to wake up and find you just out of my reach.

gavin

caleb

photos by gavin, editing by me

today's project

hopefully i'll have enough time to do this, and enough patience, and enough honesty.

i want to get this shot before i leave for school (tomorrow)::
where i was and where i am

cliche, perhaps, but necessary i think. gavin may be helping me.
this will actually be a series and getting it done in one day will be a bit of a feat.
the series will begin with darker images, grungy but not dirty, angsty but not emo. bits of loneliness, hiding, confinement, limbs weaved and bent and strained. there will be one shot in this first part in which the subject is dance. the second part of the series will be a little lighter, determined and assured and cleansed, though not pure. there will still be a certain strain in these photos, but it will come from ambition rather than pain.

mostly unrelated film photos

this will be redone

The Bob- Grand Rapids

to come up so suddenly out of a haze
that has lingered over months
and shared beds and inadequacies,
steaming tea pots and lonely sheets
and into a year
things are almost too bright and too clear
i am not here
i am light, i am ten, twenty feet above everything
my skin has history
it is history
these fingers are spinning lines
casting towards forever
and i find rest in restlessness
and knowing
uncertainty will always be unwound

black and whites

submerged