jan 9

sat. jan 9. 2010.
if i go with you
i'd be a homebody
but i probably wouldn't start reading.
i'll knit scarves and never finish them
and all the rows will be crooked.
i'll have damned good taste in music
but no tastes of my own.
i won't have much to say.
i'll look out the window and
wish it faced west.

let's break that today; let's
stroll through the cemetary
or the aisles at meijer; let's
mutter curses under our breath
as happy couples walk by with their kids.
let's be spiteful, let's be daring.
let's be dangerous.
let's be who we want, really,
and not what we're used to.





i started filling up my hope chest today [do people do that anymore?] when i realized you wouldn't fit in there, i took out everything except for two bowls so we can eat cereal together in the mornings.

jan 8

fri. jan 8. 2010.

you hold promises. let's see if you keep them.

did some conceptual shooting today. i'll probably go back and redo some of these photos. i need different clothes- more neutral, timeless, for the shots i want to do. and i wouldn't object to it being a tad warmer.

jan 7

thurs. jan 7. 2010.
i have things to do but i'm not doing them. avoiding acceptance of the inevitable.
really, i don't know where i'm going, so i don't know how to get there.

jan 6

wed. jan 6. 2010.

how do i tell you that part of me wants you?

sex undermines love.

early morning mischief--
after dusk, before dawn:
we are our best
for ourselves and each other.
did you know you make me happy?
and confuse me, endlessly?
you choose me and bruise me--
have me, use me.
i want to be yours,
but i want to stay mine.
moonlight, mac light,
awake all night and that's when
we burn most brilliantly.

jan 5

tues. jan 5. 2010.

i don't like to lie,
or feeling that i need to,
but tonight is a night for michief.

jan 4

mon. jan 4. 2010.
sleep is hard to come by these days.
sleep is strange.
sleep takes from time that makes me feel alive.

L turned 21 today; a gathering of lovely friends was therefore called to order at San Chez downtown.
R and i discussed our favorite men.
people are puzzling, darting, fearful things. we don't know our own strength, sometimes.

jan 3

sun. jan 3. 2010.
i thought maybe B had forgotten so i began to paint. he was just late. we stayed up until ten am, hungry in three ways. we wanted food, we wanted love, and we wanted new love. these days, the sun shines in my chest long after it has set.

jan 2

sat. jan 2. 2010.
he came back from beneath
the lonely months
i tossed in the corner
like jackets i just don't care to wear anymore.
he came back shining,
the way i remembered him,
only, without promises.

jan 1

fri. jan 1. 2010.



i was kidnapped in front of my father. he was told that we went to go buy sparkling juice for the night's celebration. that was at 9:00pm. twenty-some minutes later i am in a friend's house downtown.

last night was real;
last night was full of actualities.
last night was brandy chased with peach soda,
watching Europa.
four people on a bed,
they left me with you.
we laughed at each other and i
called you a bastard and you
called me a bitch
and we punched each other.
eskimo kiss.
we talked about love til the sun came up;
and at nine your cat sat on my head.
i'm eighteen, and you're twentyone.
welcome to twentyten.