march 06

sat. march 06. 2010.

i want to be back on the stage
costumed and flushed and completely not me

like that time i played a child and i was bouncy and giggling and didn’t worry, only wondered.

or that time i played a jazz singer and had to find some soul, because something like that you can’t fake.

or that time i played a street beat poet and i dressed all in black and swore. and i got to be something mean, something pained, something daring and passionate.

i felt so vivid afterwards.

march 05

friday. march 05. 2010.

i think you're wrong about god
and i think you're wrong about time
and i know you're wrong about reality
we are not brains in a vat-
call me a naturalist,
fine, if you insist.
but i like that you fight;
you make other people think
what they never thought they would.
i like that you admit
you don't have a goddamn clue,
you just want to wonder
and you want me to.

march 04

thurs. march 04. 2010.

time to be better.

march 03

wed. march 03. 2010.

don't panic.

march 02

tues. march 02. 2010.

having grown used to always being okay in the end, i see no need to worry, and sometimes no need to work.

march 01

mon. march 1. 2010.

i've grown disgusted of our accustomed lives
we say we try but lie
maybe we haven't had it all
or we haven't had it easy
but we've had
and if i'd look past my own nose
over my belly
i'd realize i'm fucking blessed
life is fucking brilliant
pardon the french, but hey,
it has history
i've got blistering passion
somewhere inside of me
confine it for my own ease, it takes
too much to dare doing more than just dream
somewhere beneath the shit i've bought that
i don't need and the excuses i make
to soothe my self loathing
i could be something worth loving.

feb 28

sun. feb 28. 2010.

i will not indulge in angst
i will not indulge in angst
i will not indulge in angst
i will not indulge in angst
i will not indulge in angst
i will not indulge in angst
i will not indulge in angst
SMILEY FACE SMILEY FACE !!!

feb 27

sat. feb 27. 2010.

i slept all day. too sick to move. this is where i wish i was:

feb 26

fri. feb 26. 2010.

wandering without boots
wasn't really worth it

feb 25

thurs. feb 25. 2010.

doodles and camera whoring. i will contribute intellectual property at some point.

feb 24

wed. feb 24. 2010.

spent all day with my not boyfriend, watching him puke and meeting his parents.

feb 23

tues. feb 23. 2010.

again, i say:
DO NOT ENJOY LIGHTROOM

i just edited a ton of photos and the only one that saved was this:

feb 22

mon. feb 22. 2010.

i cannot reclaim my sleep
or my innocence.

feb 21

sun. feb 21. 2010.

"lord i will lift
my eyes to the hills
knowing my help
is coming from you.
your peace you give me
in time of the storm.
you are the source of my strength.
you are the strength of my life.
i lift my hands in
total praise to you."

feb 20

sat. feb 20. 2010.

family bonding over conflicts.
i hate technology.
mom wants me to marry blaine.

feb 19

fri. feb 19. 2010.

camera is broken and windows 7 relocated all my pictures to some remote and arid region of my laptop. woe is me.

feb 18

thurs. feb 18. 2010.

too much of nothing

feb 17

wed. feb 17. 2010.

rebellion rising
run

feb 16

tues. feb 16. 2010.

i need to go home.

feb 15

mon. feb. 15. 2010.

today the sky has
holes filled with blue.
they are too bright,
they are too hopeful,
they make me too happy.

feb 14

sun. feb 14. 2010.

disappointing.

i'm not asking you to be my boyfriend. i just wanted you to be my valentine.

what makes me angry is being angry.

i don't understand hate.
i don't understand my roomate.

feb 13

sat. feb 13. 2010.

relaxing. too much relaxing.

i want to fight, to feel deeper.

my desk is a warzone of vanity, morality, academy, and energy.

feb 12

fri. feb 12. 2010.

good food cures the soul
spice revives
bread comforts
roma tomatoes are the essence of fresh

this is the stupidest post.
ignore me.

feb 11

thurs. feb 11. 2010.

today i sang, sounded pretty, and felt nothing.

feb 10

wed. feb 10. 2010.

i am not who i ought to be
i'm lazy and less curious
and you should all cater to me.

feb 9

tues. feb 9. 2010.

reilly fell.
reilly held me up.



last night i went to the emergency room because the pain along my left side got to be too much. at times i couldn't move. people couldn't touch me. i had these welts all down my arm and side and it started spreading. someone suggested shingles, but it has been diagnosed as impetigo. my mom is really paranoid that it might actually be mersa(merca? that thing that people freaked out about two years ago?).

katie, claire, and reilly all came with me to the hospital. reilly took care of me when i got back. i'm so thankful for them.

feb 8

mon. feb 8. 2010.

today i was told i should be an economics major.

i slept through the entirety of my economics class junior year.

SAI-- female music fraternity
we had a formal event last night
i am so glad to be a part of this, especially when i see the drama surrounding the other sororities. these girls are so supportive and wonderful.

feb 7

sun. feb 7. 2010.

scrabble, failed bike rental, walking, failed food scavenging, finding nemo, one hour of sleep, breakfast at seven, the cafeteria is closed, waiting in the corner in our pajamas wrapped up in blankets, muffins, sleeping in until 3.

feb 6

sat. feb 6. 2010.

elsewhere.
cut my hair
or let it grow to
dangerous lengths, to
where it snares men and
exclaims "vanity!
wild! free!"
my legs want to run,
my soles want scratchy
glass grass kisses,
my shoulders want the sun,
i want the sun,
i want the sun,
i want more air,
i want elsewhere.

feb 5

fri. feb 5. 2010.

toast
to the night and to the snow
to mario kart
to rug burns
to being different, weird, chaotic
to making too much sense
to asking uncomfortable questions
and not being uncomfortable

feb 4

thurs. feb 4. 2010.

too tired to think of something to say.
when i get everything out of the way,
i'll get back to you.

feb 3

wed. feb 3. 2010.

blur. i need to update this everyday. i'm forgetting what happened when.

feb 2

tues. feb 2. 2010.

too much winter.

feb 1

mon. feb 01. 2010.

in bed, upright, wearing only your t-shirt
i wonder how well you slept last night
back-to-back like we're fighting
but that was warm
face to face like we're in love
but then my hands don't know where to go
when did we decided to name this
thursday? was it thursday?
i just want to remember
in case this lasts longer than anyone thought
even ourselves

jan 31

sun. jan 31. 2010.

"i like you too much"